Friday, August 04, 2006
Just For Today
Just for today, may I see other through the eyes of God. May I show love and receive love in the spirit that it is given. Just for today, may I feel the joy that passes all understanding and share that joy with all whom I come into contact with. Just for today, May the winds of war cease and the shekina Glory Cloud cover the earth to refresh and renew all who beholds it's magnificent glory.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Sleeping With the Enemy
On Sunday, February 26, 2006, a woman was shot and killed in the sanctuary of her church. Although she was not the intended victim, she knew her killer. He was the father of her grandson.
You see, the woman’s daughter was intimately involved with this man who in addition to shooting the woman, her godchild and critically injuring another innocent bystander; had attacked and beat her at the same church on the previous Sunday.
Now, I don’t know much about the woman, her daughter or the killer, but I do know that this is not the first case of domestic violence perpetrated against one of my sisters in Christ.
Too often many of my sisters accept being treated as someone who has little or no value. They accept the abuse, physical and/or verbal, as a regular part of their lives. Too many of us have self-esteem issues and somehow have come to believe that we are deserving of the treatment we are receiving.
“How could anyone possibly love anyone as ugly as me? How could anyone be bothered with anyone as dark, big nosed, big lipped, big hipped and nappy hair as me. Gurl, and ya bet not marry someone who is as dark as you are. Two ugly people can only make an ugly child. Make sure his family’s got good hair.”
So what do we do? We get all excited and consider ourselves lucky when the first thing that calls himself a man, expresses interest in us. I mean, how can we expect other people to love us when we don’t even love ourselves? How can we expect other people to accept us when we don’t even accept who we are? How can you expect God to love you when you don’t even know what love is?
It’s important that we feel good about ourselves. It’s important for us to feel good about ourselves. We have to learn to have confidence in ourselves. We have to learn to start loving ourselves first.
When we don’t like ourselves, we are more likely to make bad choices. We are more accepting of self-destructive behaviors and self-destructive relationships. We will allow things to happen to us and say stupid things like “Well, I guess I deserved that or I couldn’t do any better”. We will allow others to treat us in a manner that is not becoming who we truly are, daughters of the most high king.
How many of you have made bad choice? How many of you have engaged in self-destructive behavior? How many of you have been in bad relationships? I know I have.
Let’s take a closer look at self-destructive relationships. When you have low self-esteem, you are more like to form unhealthy relationships. Do you know what to look for in a bad relationship?
INDETIFYING UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:
Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her-/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity,
sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Can you see yourself or your mate in any of these situations?
Ladies, no matter what you have been told, these are not signs of normal relationships. There is nothing that you could ever do to deserve anyone treating you with anything but the utmost respect. If they do, then you better try to find a new relationship or if you are married, try to get some help.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Who and What Defines You?
As a member of various online groups, I have found myself involved in a wide variety of discussions. Recently, the question arose as to our thoughts about do we feel that how we are treated ultimately affects who and what we will become. I didn’t join in the discussion, but rather took the opportunity to observe the responses of others.
Now let me preface my position by stating that this particular group consists of women of all ages from around the country. Their opinions were as varied as the women themselves. The one constant that became evident, was the fact that each had experienced some form of harassment based on who they were.
Some where ridiculed because they were too light, too dark, too smart, not smart enough, too pretentious, or not pretentious enough. One young lady recounted how she was called a liar because people didn’t believe a dark skinned girl could actually have long beautiful silky hair. Not one of these ladies including myself had been able to escape childhood without having someone else try to define who we were.
As I talk to women of various races, occupations, and ages, the one thing that becomes very apparent is the fact that most do suffer from lack of esteem. The real irony in it all is that the majority don’t even realize it. Even some of the most beautiful women that I know have to be reassured of their looks. I know successful business women who still feel unworthy of all they have accomplished and even some who hold PhDs who still lack confidence.
I have to raise the question, why? Why do so many lack so much? Confidence that is.
It would be easy to blame our mothers, wayward fathers, bad environments, drugs, alcohol and the other various social ills that are so prevalent today. However, again I state, it doesn’t matter the circumstances of where and how you grew up. The problem is still universal.
Too many of us are dissatisfied with who and what we are. Too many of us are trying to live up to standards they have been created and defined by others. Too many of us are failing to love ourselves for who and what we are. Beautiful, successful, loving and intelligent women.
We do not need to tear others down nor should we allow them to tear us down to feel better about ourselves. We need to embrace and love ourselves in spite of what others say or think.
Remember, that true beauty, success, intelligence and love are found within.
Now let me preface my position by stating that this particular group consists of women of all ages from around the country. Their opinions were as varied as the women themselves. The one constant that became evident, was the fact that each had experienced some form of harassment based on who they were.
Some where ridiculed because they were too light, too dark, too smart, not smart enough, too pretentious, or not pretentious enough. One young lady recounted how she was called a liar because people didn’t believe a dark skinned girl could actually have long beautiful silky hair. Not one of these ladies including myself had been able to escape childhood without having someone else try to define who we were.
As I talk to women of various races, occupations, and ages, the one thing that becomes very apparent is the fact that most do suffer from lack of esteem. The real irony in it all is that the majority don’t even realize it. Even some of the most beautiful women that I know have to be reassured of their looks. I know successful business women who still feel unworthy of all they have accomplished and even some who hold PhDs who still lack confidence.
I have to raise the question, why? Why do so many lack so much? Confidence that is.
It would be easy to blame our mothers, wayward fathers, bad environments, drugs, alcohol and the other various social ills that are so prevalent today. However, again I state, it doesn’t matter the circumstances of where and how you grew up. The problem is still universal.
Too many of us are dissatisfied with who and what we are. Too many of us are trying to live up to standards they have been created and defined by others. Too many of us are failing to love ourselves for who and what we are. Beautiful, successful, loving and intelligent women.
We do not need to tear others down nor should we allow them to tear us down to feel better about ourselves. We need to embrace and love ourselves in spite of what others say or think.
Remember, that true beauty, success, intelligence and love are found within.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
What Would Martin Think?
What would Martin Luther King, Jr. think about the black community if he were alive today?
What would he think about how we have become apathetic about the “right to vote that he fought so hard and diligently for? Would he shed a tear for each night that he spent in jail so that we could sit at home on Election Day, unconcerned about the politics of the day?
Would he hang his head in shame to know that the beatings that he took and the lives that were lost were all in vain because we do not care enough about the world around us to go out and cast our ballots for what we believe in?
Would his eyes cloud over in anger to know that the things he gave his life for, the betterment of his race, the advancement of the Black Community and equal justice, have all been for naught?
What would Dr. King think about our youth today? The youth that was born of a proud people who respected life, family and most of all God? Would he become overcome with rage to know that mothers, grandmothers, and sisters are only seen as sex objects in songs and videos?
Would he be vexed at the notions that safe sex and not abstinence, is taught in school. That sex outside of marriage is okay as long as you use protection and birth control?
Would he become appalled at the sight of our young men wearing clothes that were born out of a prison culture and young women wearing clothes so revealing that they leave nothing to the imagination?
Would he cringe at the realization that it is no longer the Klu Klux Klan who is killing off our black men but instead our black men who are killing off each other?
What would his thoughts be about the black mother who once protected their young like a lioness protects her cubs who has now has become indifferent about her children to the point that she would allow them to suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of her man just to keep him?
What would he see as he walked through a once thriving black neighborhood that was filled with prosperous black owned businesses? Boarded up, burnt out, and vacated buildings that were once at the very center of our black economy?
Would he look into the faces of our young men and women and see the next great leader who would guide the black community into our next victory? Would he be proud of the men and women whom we have chosen to be our political voices at the city, state and national levels to lead our causes and address our concerns?
What do you imagine he would say after visiting one of our neighborhood churches and seeing the lack of support that the church is giving back to the community? Would he be impressed with today’s mega-churches that have thousands in their congregation yet fails to help that same congregation with some of life’s most necessities like food, clothing, or housing?
Would the man who staged not one but two marches on Washington be impressed with the pastor who drives a Cadillac or maybe even a Rolls Royce while his congregation is forced to stand in the cold in the wee morning hours catching a bus to work each day?
How would Dr. King react to the notion that even though we are now in the twenty-first century not only are we discriminated against outside of our race but even within it? That the color of your skin, the grade of your hair, the job that you have are all factors that we judge one another by?
How would Martin feel as he looked into the eyes of the black father today? Would he see his own reflection? A man who believed in putting God and his family first or would he see a Godless man who shuns his responsibilities, leaving his children wondering when they will see their father again as their mother struggles alone to provide for them?
If he visited one of our schools, would he notice that the pledge of allegiance, our national anthem, and prayer are no longer allowed to be spoken aloud? Would he be horrified to see the next generation of our children fail because we have failed to provide them with an education?
Dr. King once said, “If you will protest courageously, and yet with dignity and Christian love, when the history books are written in future generations, the historians will have to pause and say, "There lived a great people - a black people - who injected new meaning and dignity into the veins of civilization."
Would Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. still think of us as a great people or would he turn his back so that no one could see the tears that he is now sheds as he stands on the mountaintop looking at today’s black man and woman?
I wonder, What would Martin think?
What would he think about how we have become apathetic about the “right to vote that he fought so hard and diligently for? Would he shed a tear for each night that he spent in jail so that we could sit at home on Election Day, unconcerned about the politics of the day?
Would he hang his head in shame to know that the beatings that he took and the lives that were lost were all in vain because we do not care enough about the world around us to go out and cast our ballots for what we believe in?
Would his eyes cloud over in anger to know that the things he gave his life for, the betterment of his race, the advancement of the Black Community and equal justice, have all been for naught?
What would Dr. King think about our youth today? The youth that was born of a proud people who respected life, family and most of all God? Would he become overcome with rage to know that mothers, grandmothers, and sisters are only seen as sex objects in songs and videos?
Would he be vexed at the notions that safe sex and not abstinence, is taught in school. That sex outside of marriage is okay as long as you use protection and birth control?
Would he become appalled at the sight of our young men wearing clothes that were born out of a prison culture and young women wearing clothes so revealing that they leave nothing to the imagination?
Would he cringe at the realization that it is no longer the Klu Klux Klan who is killing off our black men but instead our black men who are killing off each other?
What would his thoughts be about the black mother who once protected their young like a lioness protects her cubs who has now has become indifferent about her children to the point that she would allow them to suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of her man just to keep him?
What would he see as he walked through a once thriving black neighborhood that was filled with prosperous black owned businesses? Boarded up, burnt out, and vacated buildings that were once at the very center of our black economy?
Would he look into the faces of our young men and women and see the next great leader who would guide the black community into our next victory? Would he be proud of the men and women whom we have chosen to be our political voices at the city, state and national levels to lead our causes and address our concerns?
What do you imagine he would say after visiting one of our neighborhood churches and seeing the lack of support that the church is giving back to the community? Would he be impressed with today’s mega-churches that have thousands in their congregation yet fails to help that same congregation with some of life’s most necessities like food, clothing, or housing?
Would the man who staged not one but two marches on Washington be impressed with the pastor who drives a Cadillac or maybe even a Rolls Royce while his congregation is forced to stand in the cold in the wee morning hours catching a bus to work each day?
How would Dr. King react to the notion that even though we are now in the twenty-first century not only are we discriminated against outside of our race but even within it? That the color of your skin, the grade of your hair, the job that you have are all factors that we judge one another by?
How would Martin feel as he looked into the eyes of the black father today? Would he see his own reflection? A man who believed in putting God and his family first or would he see a Godless man who shuns his responsibilities, leaving his children wondering when they will see their father again as their mother struggles alone to provide for them?
If he visited one of our schools, would he notice that the pledge of allegiance, our national anthem, and prayer are no longer allowed to be spoken aloud? Would he be horrified to see the next generation of our children fail because we have failed to provide them with an education?
Dr. King once said, “If you will protest courageously, and yet with dignity and Christian love, when the history books are written in future generations, the historians will have to pause and say, "There lived a great people - a black people - who injected new meaning and dignity into the veins of civilization."
Would Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. still think of us as a great people or would he turn his back so that no one could see the tears that he is now sheds as he stands on the mountaintop looking at today’s black man and woman?
I wonder, What would Martin think?
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Lasting Relationships - Where Did They Go?
“Why aren’t any of us still married?”
The question had suddenly caused the roomful of talkative women into total silence. It was the song “Young Love”, by Teena Marie playing in the background that had prompted the question.
I remember back in school When I first laid my eyes on you I saw your smile and knew right then and there You reached out and touched my hand And two became just one person And no one could have stopped our love affair.
It was our usual once a month, "Ladies Night Out." Most of us have known each other for better than twenty-years. In the beginning, we started these once a month soirees' as a way to have a break from the rigors of everyday family life. You know a break from the husband and kids. There were ten of us and we were all married. Mrs. was a title that we all proudly wore.
It was our connection as young wives and mothers that had brought us all together.
We met the third Friday of each month to play bid whist, try out new drinks, listen to music and bemoan the problems of running our respective households. There were three basic rules, no children, no men and you had to bring a dish. If you couldn’t find a babysitter to watch your children, then you couldn’t come. These rules were strictly adhered to. It was a night for us to talk smack over a friendly game of cards, trade recipes and get our drink on. It was heaven.
Fast forward twenty years. It is now 2006 and we still meet the third Friday of every month to play bid. Our tastes in dishes and drinks have become more exotic. Instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we know sample pasta salads and other exotic pasta dishes. The rum and coke has been replaced with appletinis. Sometimes, we even manage to eat at a favorite restaurant before returning home to play our usual game of bid.
Our children are either away at school, old enough to take care of themselves or have simply moved out. One other very important fact to note, none of us are still married.
Now in all fairness, I have to mention that two of the ladies are widows. The rest of us, are now middle-aged divorcees’. The reasons for the divorces are as varied as the women themselves.
Instead of comparing stories about husband with idiosyncrasies that drove us crazy, we now have discussions concerning dating and how hard it is to find a “good” man. We often wonder, “where did we go wrong” and every now and again, we will go off on a tangent about how we were “the good wife.”
In the beginning it was easy to for us to sit there and blame our problems on our husbands, but with age also comes wisdom. Over the course of time and with our new found wisdom, each of us has been forced to take a long hard look in the mirror and see our failings as well.
Very often in life we see the faults of everyone else around us but fail to see the spot in our own eyes. We tend to want to believe that we are always the victim in the situation, but when you are truly honest with yourself, you have to start looking at your world from within.
Now I am in no way trying to excuse the ex-husbands for their mistakes, however, if you think about any situation involving couples, there are always three sides to every story. Hers, his and the truth. No one person is totally responsible for the breakdown of a relationship. Sometimes we find it easier to walk away from the problem than it is to confront it. We don’t want to try to work it out, we just want out.
There are some who say that the increase in the divorce rate can be linked to the implementation of “No fault divorces.” Other say, that even though the overall divorce rate appears to be on the decline, that living together as apposed to marriage is the preferred answer. Still others believe that in days past, there would have been more divorces if woman had had the right to request a divorce.
No matter what the popular opinions are, the fact remain that it has become a rarity for marriages to have the sustainability or the perseverance to go the distance as in years past. Single parent households have become the norm in today’s society. As a result, the face of the family image has gone through a dramatic metamorphys.
One has to stop and ask the question, what direction are we headed in?
No matter. The ten of us will still continue to plan our third Friday of each month friendly game of bid whist. We will maintain our tradition of eating, drinking, playing cards and have our cleansing of the soul conversations that encourage, uplift and comfort one another.
Husbands and lovers come and go, but the bond between girlfriends is eternal.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Finding Your Own Voice
A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to visit with an old friend I hadn’t seen for a number of years. She was actually the older sister of a very close and dear friend who had moved out of state. She was in fact; a few years older than both of us were and had already graduated from college long before we finished High School.
As we sat there talking about the events in our lives and catching up on what each of us had been doing, I mentioned that I was a Christian writer. My statement caught her off guard. After getting over her initial surprise, she posed the question, “How do you find something to write about everyday”?
Her question stemmed from anxiety over having to write a weekly article for her church bulletin. Even though my friend had been an English teacher for over thirty years, she had great difficulty trying to find something to write about each week. She indicated that she had taken notes while listening to sermons, during bible study and just trying to study the word of God, she found it difficult to formulate the weekly article that was required of her.
I informed her that I found my inspiration in the everyday lives of people all around me, including my friends, my family, and myself. The key was not in patterning yourself after your pastor or anyone else for that matter, but rather, in finding your own voice.
As I made that statement, I was reminded of a scene in the movie “Ray” when Jamie Fox stated in his portrayal of Ray, ‘who is Ray Charles’?, and his soon to be wife, Della Bee, tells him, “if you don’t know then who does”?
What makes each of us unique as individuals is being able to find our own voice. It doesn’t matter what you do in life, whether you are a writer, a poet, a musician or a teacher, each of us must search for that uniqueness within each of us. People have the potential at greatness if we would just tap into their inner abilities.
I admire many writers within the Christian community as well as those who are considered mainstream. I am just as much a fan of Paula White as I am of Terry McMillian. I recently read a book by emerging writer and radio DJ, Nikki Woods. Her book along with others written by the afore mentioned authors were great reads. Each book was a great because each of these authors have found their own distinctive styles of writing.
As we look back at our rich history, you will find many great ones. There were many great Civil Rights Leaders, but only one Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. There is only one Billie Holiday, Aretha Franklin, Luther Van Dross, Dr. Ben Carson, and the incomparable Dr. Maya Angelou.
There is only one You.
No matter what your gift, your talent, or your goal in life; always remember, find your own voice!
As we sat there talking about the events in our lives and catching up on what each of us had been doing, I mentioned that I was a Christian writer. My statement caught her off guard. After getting over her initial surprise, she posed the question, “How do you find something to write about everyday”?
Her question stemmed from anxiety over having to write a weekly article for her church bulletin. Even though my friend had been an English teacher for over thirty years, she had great difficulty trying to find something to write about each week. She indicated that she had taken notes while listening to sermons, during bible study and just trying to study the word of God, she found it difficult to formulate the weekly article that was required of her.
I informed her that I found my inspiration in the everyday lives of people all around me, including my friends, my family, and myself. The key was not in patterning yourself after your pastor or anyone else for that matter, but rather, in finding your own voice.
As I made that statement, I was reminded of a scene in the movie “Ray” when Jamie Fox stated in his portrayal of Ray, ‘who is Ray Charles’?, and his soon to be wife, Della Bee, tells him, “if you don’t know then who does”?
What makes each of us unique as individuals is being able to find our own voice. It doesn’t matter what you do in life, whether you are a writer, a poet, a musician or a teacher, each of us must search for that uniqueness within each of us. People have the potential at greatness if we would just tap into their inner abilities.
I admire many writers within the Christian community as well as those who are considered mainstream. I am just as much a fan of Paula White as I am of Terry McMillian. I recently read a book by emerging writer and radio DJ, Nikki Woods. Her book along with others written by the afore mentioned authors were great reads. Each book was a great because each of these authors have found their own distinctive styles of writing.
As we look back at our rich history, you will find many great ones. There were many great Civil Rights Leaders, but only one Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. There is only one Billie Holiday, Aretha Franklin, Luther Van Dross, Dr. Ben Carson, and the incomparable Dr. Maya Angelou.
There is only one You.
No matter what your gift, your talent, or your goal in life; always remember, find your own voice!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Wounds In the Way
Recently I received a copy of the soundtrack from the motion picture, “Madea’s Family Reunion.” On the soundtrack is a soul stirring song called “Wounds in the Way,” by Rachelle Ferrell.
Rachelle is singing about a woman who has a chance at love and happiness but because of past hurts perpetrated against her, she is unwilling to accept her chance at happiness. This song is very powerful, evokes the deepest hidden emotions, and causes one to contemplate their own battle scars.
I wonder how many of us are missing opportunities or blessings because our own wounds are in the way. We are afraid to love, to trust, to allow ourselves to become vulnerable to someone else because we are too afraid to be hurt again. When we allow the pain of our past to prevent us from being all God wants us to be, we are cheating God and ourselves.
We wear our wounds on our sleeves like a badge of shame. Because of one bad relationship, we are too afraid to try again. What we may not realize is that our wounds are not only in our way, they can affect others around us.
I have seen mothers demean their children’s fathers because of past wounds. I have seen grandparents lose the right to see their grandchildren. I have seen parents abuse their own babies. I see first hand how our past wounds are crippling our futures.
Love isn’t the only thing that can wound us. Fear, rejection, disappointment, and sometimes, just life in general can inflict painful wounds. Life’s reality is this, as we journey through this life, we will get hurt. It’s inevitable.
We are destined to be hurt in one way or another. This world is not designed for our own personal comforts. We will run into brick walls, be forced to take a path that may be full of potholes or forced to journey into places that are beyond our comfort zones.
Individuals who through no fault of our own will want to cause us harm, make our lives uncomfortable, or at the very least; cannot love us the way we love them. Things that we may strive for may not ever be within our reach. Disappointments will always be waiting for us just around the corner.
However, until we learn to allow our wounds to heal, we will forever be held hostage by our pasts.
I pray that you will let go of the past and start your healing Today!
But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Malachi 4:2
Rachelle is singing about a woman who has a chance at love and happiness but because of past hurts perpetrated against her, she is unwilling to accept her chance at happiness. This song is very powerful, evokes the deepest hidden emotions, and causes one to contemplate their own battle scars.
I wonder how many of us are missing opportunities or blessings because our own wounds are in the way. We are afraid to love, to trust, to allow ourselves to become vulnerable to someone else because we are too afraid to be hurt again. When we allow the pain of our past to prevent us from being all God wants us to be, we are cheating God and ourselves.
We wear our wounds on our sleeves like a badge of shame. Because of one bad relationship, we are too afraid to try again. What we may not realize is that our wounds are not only in our way, they can affect others around us.
I have seen mothers demean their children’s fathers because of past wounds. I have seen grandparents lose the right to see their grandchildren. I have seen parents abuse their own babies. I see first hand how our past wounds are crippling our futures.
Love isn’t the only thing that can wound us. Fear, rejection, disappointment, and sometimes, just life in general can inflict painful wounds. Life’s reality is this, as we journey through this life, we will get hurt. It’s inevitable.
We are destined to be hurt in one way or another. This world is not designed for our own personal comforts. We will run into brick walls, be forced to take a path that may be full of potholes or forced to journey into places that are beyond our comfort zones.
Individuals who through no fault of our own will want to cause us harm, make our lives uncomfortable, or at the very least; cannot love us the way we love them. Things that we may strive for may not ever be within our reach. Disappointments will always be waiting for us just around the corner.
However, until we learn to allow our wounds to heal, we will forever be held hostage by our pasts.
I pray that you will let go of the past and start your healing Today!
But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Malachi 4:2
