Sunday, January 15, 2006
Feeding The Monster Within
As I looked around the dark and smoky room, I wondered what time it was. There were no windows or clocks and I had no perception of time. The sounds around me where almost hypnotic. The subtle, yet constant clinking of chips. The conversations sounded like an approaching army that was yet in the distance. The steady dinging of faint bells. One sometimes wondered for whom the bells tolled.
We sat in the casino, each of us dropping coin after coin into the hopper, smoking one cigarette after another. Lost in our own fantasies of winning.
Ching, ching, ching. “Come on I need a hit.” It didn’t matter who said it, they were all thinking the same thing. I was 3:00 am on a Wednesday night. Ching, ching, ching. Each of us looking desperate as we continued to feed the monster who would take everything we had to give and offer very little in return.
Ching, ching, ching. We had been sitting there for hours. Ching, ching, ching. Only talking sporadically, each focusing on the task at hand. Ching, ching, ching.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here. My husband is going to be mad at me again. He told me to stay away from this place, but I just can’t. Ching, ching, ching.
I didn’t know the woman who had just spoken, but even though I had no husband, I knew how she felt. Ching, ching, ching. My kids worried when I didn’t come home from work. Ching, ching, ching. There was no food in the house and I had promised to stop by the grocery store.
Ching, ching, ching. I couldn’t help myself. I just needed one big win and then, Ching, ching, ching. “I have a good man at home. I should be at home it bed with him, but….”
Ching, ching, ching. She continued to drop coins into the hopper.
Ching, ching, ching. What was I going to do now? I didn’t have enough money to go to the store and my kids would go to bed hungry, again. Ching, ching, ching.
Why can’t I stop? I knew I was losing more than just a few dollars. The monster was taking my life. All my bills were due. My mortgage, my car note; I had gotten a shut-off notices for the lights and the gas. My telephone had been shut off months ago.
Ching, ching, ching. It really didn’t matter if I won. I would only take my winning and continue to feed the monster. Ching, ching, ching. My sister had threatened to call Protective Services on me about my kids, but my brother-in-law told her if she did, I might lose them.
Ching, ching, ching. I loved my kids, but the monster kept calling me back. “My husband is going to leave me for sure this time”. She just sat there. Feeding the monster coin after coin, realizing each time she fed it, she was giving away a little bit more of her marriage. Ching, ching, ching.
“I don’t know what you are complaining about lady. My wife of thirty-five years left me last year and that just gives me more time to myself and I don’t have to hear her nagging me about it”. Ching, ching, ching.
Ching, ching, ching. We continued to sit there, us three. Feeding the monster our money, our lives our families. And what did he give us in return? I don’t know, but as soon as I figure it out, I’ll let you know.
We sat in the casino, each of us dropping coin after coin into the hopper, smoking one cigarette after another. Lost in our own fantasies of winning.
Ching, ching, ching. “Come on I need a hit.” It didn’t matter who said it, they were all thinking the same thing. I was 3:00 am on a Wednesday night. Ching, ching, ching. Each of us looking desperate as we continued to feed the monster who would take everything we had to give and offer very little in return.
Ching, ching, ching. We had been sitting there for hours. Ching, ching, ching. Only talking sporadically, each focusing on the task at hand. Ching, ching, ching.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here. My husband is going to be mad at me again. He told me to stay away from this place, but I just can’t. Ching, ching, ching.
I didn’t know the woman who had just spoken, but even though I had no husband, I knew how she felt. Ching, ching, ching. My kids worried when I didn’t come home from work. Ching, ching, ching. There was no food in the house and I had promised to stop by the grocery store.
Ching, ching, ching. I couldn’t help myself. I just needed one big win and then, Ching, ching, ching. “I have a good man at home. I should be at home it bed with him, but….”
Ching, ching, ching. She continued to drop coins into the hopper.
Ching, ching, ching. What was I going to do now? I didn’t have enough money to go to the store and my kids would go to bed hungry, again. Ching, ching, ching.
Why can’t I stop? I knew I was losing more than just a few dollars. The monster was taking my life. All my bills were due. My mortgage, my car note; I had gotten a shut-off notices for the lights and the gas. My telephone had been shut off months ago.
Ching, ching, ching. It really didn’t matter if I won. I would only take my winning and continue to feed the monster. Ching, ching, ching. My sister had threatened to call Protective Services on me about my kids, but my brother-in-law told her if she did, I might lose them.
Ching, ching, ching. I loved my kids, but the monster kept calling me back. “My husband is going to leave me for sure this time”. She just sat there. Feeding the monster coin after coin, realizing each time she fed it, she was giving away a little bit more of her marriage. Ching, ching, ching.
“I don’t know what you are complaining about lady. My wife of thirty-five years left me last year and that just gives me more time to myself and I don’t have to hear her nagging me about it”. Ching, ching, ching.
Ching, ching, ching. We continued to sit there, us three. Feeding the monster our money, our lives our families. And what did he give us in return? I don’t know, but as soon as I figure it out, I’ll let you know.
