Random Thoughts

On Sunday, February 26, 2006, a woman was shot and killed in the sanctuary of her church. Although she was not the intended victim, she knew her killer. He was the father of her grandson.

You see, the woman’s daughter was intimately involved with this man who in addition to shooting the woman, her godchild and critically injuring another innocent bystander; had attacked and beat her at the same church on the previous Sunday.

Now, I don’t know much about the woman, her daughter or the killer, but I do know that this is not the first case of domestic violence perpetrated against one of my sisters in Christ.

Too often many of my sisters accept being treated as someone who has little or no value. They accept the abuse, physical and/or verbal, as a regular part of their lives. Too many of us have self-esteem issues and somehow have come to believe that we are deserving of the treatment we are receiving.

“How could anyone possibly love anyone as ugly as me? How could anyone be bothered with anyone as dark, big nosed, big lipped, big hipped and nappy hair as me. Gurl, and ya bet not marry someone who is as dark as you are. Two ugly people can only make an ugly child. Make sure his family’s got good hair.”

So what do we do? We get all excited and consider ourselves lucky when the first thing that calls himself a man, expresses interest in us. I mean, how can we expect other people to love us when we don’t even love ourselves? How can we expect other people to accept us when we don’t even accept who we are? How can you expect God to love you when you don’t even know what love is?

It’s important that we feel good about ourselves. It’s important for us to feel good about ourselves. We have to learn to have confidence in ourselves. We have to learn to start loving ourselves first.

When we don’t like ourselves, we are more likely to make bad choices. We are more accepting of self-destructive behaviors and self-destructive relationships. We will allow things to happen to us and say stupid things like “Well, I guess I deserved that or I couldn’t do any better”. We will allow others to treat us in a manner that is not becoming who we truly are, daughters of the most high king.

How many of you have made bad choice? How many of you have engaged in self-destructive behavior? How many of you have been in bad relationships? I know I have.

Let’s take a closer look at self-destructive relationships. When you have low self-esteem, you are more like to form unhealthy relationships. Do you know what to look for in a bad relationship?

INDETIFYING UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her-/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity,
sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Can you see yourself or your mate in any of these situations?

Ladies, no matter what you have been told, these are not signs of normal relationships. There is nothing that you could ever do to deserve anyone treating you with anything but the utmost respect. If they do, then you better try to find a new relationship or if you are married, try to get some help.

As a member of various online groups, I have found myself involved in a wide variety of discussions. Recently, the question arose as to our thoughts about do we feel that how we are treated ultimately affects who and what we will become. I didn’t join in the discussion, but rather took the opportunity to observe the responses of others.

Now let me preface my position by stating that this particular group consists of women of all ages from around the country. Their opinions were as varied as the women themselves. The one constant that became evident, was the fact that each had experienced some form of harassment based on who they were.

Some where ridiculed because they were too light, too dark, too smart, not smart enough, too pretentious, or not pretentious enough. One young lady recounted how she was called a liar because people didn’t believe a dark skinned girl could actually have long beautiful silky hair. Not one of these ladies including myself had been able to escape childhood without having someone else try to define who we were.

As I talk to women of various races, occupations, and ages, the one thing that becomes very apparent is the fact that most do suffer from lack of esteem. The real irony in it all is that the majority don’t even realize it. Even some of the most beautiful women that I know have to be reassured of their looks. I know successful business women who still feel unworthy of all they have accomplished and even some who hold PhDs who still lack confidence.

I have to raise the question, why? Why do so many lack so much? Confidence that is.

It would be easy to blame our mothers, wayward fathers, bad environments, drugs, alcohol and the other various social ills that are so prevalent today. However, again I state, it doesn’t matter the circumstances of where and how you grew up. The problem is still universal.

Too many of us are dissatisfied with who and what we are. Too many of us are trying to live up to standards they have been created and defined by others. Too many of us are failing to love ourselves for who and what we are. Beautiful, successful, loving and intelligent women.

We do not need to tear others down nor should we allow them to tear us down to feel better about ourselves. We need to embrace and love ourselves in spite of what others say or think.

Remember, that true beauty, success, intelligence and love are found within.